God never loses sight of finishing his work in us. It's a comfort I am reminded of today, and take rest in. After years of encouraging people - talking to them about "letting go", about trusting and letting God take over - it is never far from my mind; my own issues I have with control. But God relentlessy pursues in His endeavour to make me into the image of His son. I don't deserve it - this masterful shepherding. I deserve to fall off the cliffs I come perilously close to time and time again.
I found this drafted email this morning and I'm reminded how much he must love me, that I have "discovered" these truths again and again and again. I have no idea when I wrote it - but I imagine it was quite some time ago. As I read the words again I am stunned into submission to His grand pursuit of my heart. How could I possibly even WANT to control my own life - any aspect of it - when I recognize how much He loves me? Control is an illusion - God's love for me is real. I just have to remember to let go of control so I can cling to His love.
"I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve cried out to God, silently waited to hear his voice, feel his hand, know his touch – struggled against a darkness that threatens to consume me. He listens, hears and responds. Against this looming he stands. And in the quiet, when my soul is stilled in the sanctuary of his presence and renewed by his insurmountable grace and peace, He speaks. He loves me. Everything he does for me, he does out of his love for me. Which can not be measured, it is so great – so crazy.
He honors a heart committed to him. He invites me into his dream for me, not my dream for myself – and he waits for me to say “yes” to his dream, his vision – or lets me pursue my own dreams. My commitment to either vision is a choice. A continual choice. His ways are not my ways – and how he chooses to work his dream in my life is no longer in my control once I commit my heart to him. His thoughts are not my thoughts – and when I get tired or scared or frustrated, he does not. His ways are higher than my ways - He will do things differently than I would – guaranteed. He is bigger than any problem that I encounter in the journey of his vision for me – but I have to give it to him, and trust him to come up with the answer. He may – no, will – use problems to build in me the character I need to continue in the journey.
And most of all – He loves – He loves – He loves… and he never lets me go… but to really experience his love I have to let go… of everything, and cling only to him. I don’t get to do things for myself anymore. To love like crazy – to love like he does, means I give up my rights. And he loves me enough to give me opportunity after opportunity to do so - and grow into this crazy love of his.
I am living out my salvation, that he provided, with fear and trembling – literally. I have so far to go to. It’s a daily, continual battle. But he promised he would provide for my every need. He has everything – He IS everything. I am nothing. So why do I try to take care of myself with the nothing I have, when he is everything I need – and He promises he would take care of me. Why do I think I have to take care of myself? I don’t know. But I do it all the time. And I have to be reminded over and over again… I can’t do this on my own. I am supposed to be dependant on him. I am supposed to cling only to him – to chose daily; whom I will serve… whom I will love."
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