I Work For God

I started, several years ago, to do my best to give every every facet of my work day to God. The several years before that I had been struggling with anxiety, comparing my work to others, feeling the heat of missed deadlines and breaking under the overload. Yet, being the performance addict I was, I tended to always think, "What's wrong with ME?". I was misinterpreting the verses that told me I could "do all things through Christ", and felt that if I were truly a "good christian", that meant I had to be the BEST employee. In my mind, "the best" employee never made mistakes, never lost her balance, always had the right answer, and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Basically.
Impossible. I know.
But the condemnation was so prevelant, and the torment so real. It nearly did me in. Until the day, I knew that even though I had done everything the very BEST I could, it still wasn't enough. Someone didn't "like" me. Period. And for that reason, I was being "removed". All of the sudden I realized this simple fact, and stated it out loud to a mentor, colleague and friend - the one who had my back, the one who was warning me what was coming - "It will be all right. The fate of my life is in no man's hands." I shocked him. And myself. But I've never turned back from that statement.
I knew then... I didn't work for anyone on earth. I worked for God. And He alone would have the ultimate decision.
At that time, He decided that I would stay at the company, but not in that role. Since then, I've had many roles. I can say that while not all of roles have been easy - they have all been good. Because of what He has done in me. My "personal development" has all been in His design.
The times that I struggle are the times when I forget who I really am. When I lose sight that God provides for me, I fear the future state of my position. When I don't remember that my value comes from Him, I berate myself for my mistakes and fret about my reputation. When I forget that He has me right where He wants me - for HIS plan, I lose hope and feel I'll always be rejected for opportunities I think I deserve. When I engage with people and my first thoughts aren't "what does God want them to know, through me?", I find myself longing for their approval - or worse, dismissing them as not important to my work.
My work? Who am I kidding?
The company's work. AH - even there, I kid myself.
This is God's work. I work for God. He has put me where He wants me to do His work. Not just through me - but in me. Not just in me - but through me. And it's not ever about things - it's always about people.
I don't always get it, even now. After years of training. But it's getting better. Decisions were made this week that, I will admit, made a huge hole in my armor. The arrow of rejection made it through and pierced my flesh. I was momentarily incapacitated by the pain. Fear, pride, anger, bitterness - rejected, betrayed, abandoned, wounded. All of the feelings came crashing in, one on top of each other.
God is faithful - and what He has taught me was not forgotten. I removed the arrow, and laid the bloody thing at His feet. He in turn, reached out His hand and touched my bleeding flesh,
"I see you. You are mine."
He will heal me. It has already started.

I work for God. It is foolishness to the world [1 Cor 2:13-16]. I am not here to advance my position, to earn titles, or to gain reward. If I do, that is not the point. I am here to do whatever I do for God. Who does He want me to draw to Him. Who does He want to speak to through me? How can I minister His Spirit to those broken and seeking? How can I represent Jesus to everyone I encounter?
It's not easy - I miss the mark, often. But it's the best job I could ever possibly imagine! And, I have the best boss ever!
He goes before me - He has my back - He stands beside me.
Always.

Letting Go of Control

God never loses sight of finishing his work in us. It's a comfort I am reminded of today, and take rest in. After years of encouraging people - talking to them about "letting go", about trusting and letting God take over - it is never far from my mind; my own issues I have with control. But God relentlessy pursues in His endeavour to make me into the image of His son. I don't deserve it - this masterful shepherding. I deserve to fall off the cliffs I come perilously close to time and time again.

I found this drafted email this morning and I'm reminded how much he must love me, that I have "discovered" these truths again and again and again. I have no idea when I wrote it - but I imagine it was quite some time ago. As I read the words again I am stunned into submission to His grand pursuit of my heart. How could I possibly even WANT to control my own life - any aspect of it - when I recognize how much He loves me? Control is an illusion - God's love for me is real. I just have to remember to let go of control so I can cling to His love.

"I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve cried out to God, silently waited to hear his voice, feel his hand, know his touch – struggled against a darkness that threatens to consume me. He listens, hears and responds. Against this looming he stands. And in the quiet, when my soul is stilled in the sanctuary of his presence and renewed by his insurmountable grace and peace, He speaks. He loves me. Everything he does for me, he does out of his love for me. Which can not be measured, it is so great – so crazy.

He honors a heart committed to him. He invites me into his dream for me, not my dream for myself – and he waits for me to say “yes” to his dream, his vision – or lets me pursue my own dreams. My commitment to either vision is a choice. A continual choice. His ways are not my ways – and how he chooses to work his dream in my life is no longer in my control once I commit my heart to him. His thoughts are not my thoughts – and when I get tired or scared or frustrated, he does not. His ways are higher than my ways - He will do things differently than I would – guaranteed. He is bigger than any problem that I encounter in the journey of his vision for me – but I have to give it to him, and trust him to come up with the answer. He may – no, will – use problems to build in me the character I need to continue in the journey.

And most of all – He loves – He loves – He loves… and he never lets me go… but to really experience his love I have to let go… of everything, and cling only to him. I don’t get to do things for myself anymore. To love like crazy – to love like he does, means I give up my rights. And he loves me enough to give me opportunity after opportunity to do so - and grow into this crazy love of his.

I am living out my salvation, that he provided, with fear and trembling – literally. I have so far to go to. It’s a daily, continual battle. But he promised he would provide for my every need. He has everything – He IS everything. I am nothing. So why do I try to take care of myself with the nothing I have, when he is everything I need – and He promises he would take care of me. Why do I think I have to take care of myself? I don’t know. But I do it all the time. And I have to be reminded over and over again… I can’t do this on my own. I am supposed to be dependant on him. I am supposed to cling only to him – to chose daily; whom I will serve… whom I will love."