I Work For God

I started, several years ago, to do my best to give every every facet of my work day to God. The several years before that I had been struggling with anxiety, comparing my work to others, feeling the heat of missed deadlines and breaking under the overload. Yet, being the performance addict I was, I tended to always think, "What's wrong with ME?". I was misinterpreting the verses that told me I could "do all things through Christ", and felt that if I were truly a "good christian", that meant I had to be the BEST employee. In my mind, "the best" employee never made mistakes, never lost her balance, always had the right answer, and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Basically.
Impossible. I know.
But the condemnation was so prevelant, and the torment so real. It nearly did me in. Until the day, I knew that even though I had done everything the very BEST I could, it still wasn't enough. Someone didn't "like" me. Period. And for that reason, I was being "removed". All of the sudden I realized this simple fact, and stated it out loud to a mentor, colleague and friend - the one who had my back, the one who was warning me what was coming - "It will be all right. The fate of my life is in no man's hands." I shocked him. And myself. But I've never turned back from that statement.
I knew then... I didn't work for anyone on earth. I worked for God. And He alone would have the ultimate decision.
At that time, He decided that I would stay at the company, but not in that role. Since then, I've had many roles. I can say that while not all of roles have been easy - they have all been good. Because of what He has done in me. My "personal development" has all been in His design.
The times that I struggle are the times when I forget who I really am. When I lose sight that God provides for me, I fear the future state of my position. When I don't remember that my value comes from Him, I berate myself for my mistakes and fret about my reputation. When I forget that He has me right where He wants me - for HIS plan, I lose hope and feel I'll always be rejected for opportunities I think I deserve. When I engage with people and my first thoughts aren't "what does God want them to know, through me?", I find myself longing for their approval - or worse, dismissing them as not important to my work.
My work? Who am I kidding?
The company's work. AH - even there, I kid myself.
This is God's work. I work for God. He has put me where He wants me to do His work. Not just through me - but in me. Not just in me - but through me. And it's not ever about things - it's always about people.
I don't always get it, even now. After years of training. But it's getting better. Decisions were made this week that, I will admit, made a huge hole in my armor. The arrow of rejection made it through and pierced my flesh. I was momentarily incapacitated by the pain. Fear, pride, anger, bitterness - rejected, betrayed, abandoned, wounded. All of the feelings came crashing in, one on top of each other.
God is faithful - and what He has taught me was not forgotten. I removed the arrow, and laid the bloody thing at His feet. He in turn, reached out His hand and touched my bleeding flesh,
"I see you. You are mine."
He will heal me. It has already started.

I work for God. It is foolishness to the world [1 Cor 2:13-16]. I am not here to advance my position, to earn titles, or to gain reward. If I do, that is not the point. I am here to do whatever I do for God. Who does He want me to draw to Him. Who does He want to speak to through me? How can I minister His Spirit to those broken and seeking? How can I represent Jesus to everyone I encounter?
It's not easy - I miss the mark, often. But it's the best job I could ever possibly imagine! And, I have the best boss ever!
He goes before me - He has my back - He stands beside me.
Always.