I started, several years ago, to do my best to give every every facet of my work day to God. The several years before that I had been struggling with anxiety, comparing my work to others, feeling the heat of missed deadlines and breaking under the overload. Yet, being the performance addict I was, I tended to always think, "What's wrong with ME?". I was misinterpreting the verses that told me I could "do all things through Christ", and felt that if I were truly a "good christian", that meant I had to be the BEST employee. In my mind, "the best" employee never made mistakes, never lost her balance, always had the right answer, and could leap tall buildings in a single bound. Basically.
Impossible. I know.
But the condemnation was so prevelant, and the torment so real. It nearly did me in. Until the day, I knew that even though I had done everything the very BEST I could, it still wasn't enough. Someone didn't "like" me. Period. And for that reason, I was being "removed". All of the sudden I realized this simple fact, and stated it out loud to a mentor, colleague and friend - the one who had my back, the one who was warning me what was coming - "It will be all right. The fate of my life is in no man's hands." I shocked him. And myself. But I've never turned back from that statement.
I knew then... I didn't work for anyone on earth. I worked for God. And He alone would have the ultimate decision.
At that time, He decided that I would stay at the company, but not in that role. Since then, I've had many roles. I can say that while not all of roles have been easy - they have all been good. Because of what He has done in me. My "personal development" has all been in His design.
The times that I struggle are the times when I forget who I really am. When I lose sight that God provides for me, I fear the future state of my position. When I don't remember that my value comes from Him, I berate myself for my mistakes and fret about my reputation. When I forget that He has me right where He wants me - for HIS plan, I lose hope and feel I'll always be rejected for opportunities I think I deserve. When I engage with people and my first thoughts aren't "what does God want them to know, through me?", I find myself longing for their approval - or worse, dismissing them as not important to my work.
My work? Who am I kidding?
The company's work. AH - even there, I kid myself.
This is God's work. I work for God. He has put me where He wants me to do His work. Not just through me - but in me. Not just in me - but through me. And it's not ever about things - it's always about people.
I don't always get it, even now. After years of training. But it's getting better. Decisions were made this week that, I will admit, made a huge hole in my armor. The arrow of rejection made it through and pierced my flesh. I was momentarily incapacitated by the pain. Fear, pride, anger, bitterness - rejected, betrayed, abandoned, wounded. All of the feelings came crashing in, one on top of each other.
God is faithful - and what He has taught me was not forgotten. I removed the arrow, and laid the bloody thing at His feet. He in turn, reached out His hand and touched my bleeding flesh,
"I see you. You are mine."
He will heal me. It has already started.
I work for God. It is foolishness to the world [1 Cor 2:13-16]. I am not here to advance my position, to earn titles, or to gain reward. If I do, that is not the point. I am here to do whatever I do for God. Who does He want me to draw to Him. Who does He want to speak to through me? How can I minister His Spirit to those broken and seeking? How can I represent Jesus to everyone I encounter?
It's not easy - I miss the mark, often. But it's the best job I could ever possibly imagine! And, I have the best boss ever!
He goes before me - He has my back - He stands beside me.
Always.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Letting Go of Control
God never loses sight of finishing his work in us. It's a comfort I am reminded of today, and take rest in. After years of encouraging people - talking to them about "letting go", about trusting and letting God take over - it is never far from my mind; my own issues I have with control. But God relentlessy pursues in His endeavour to make me into the image of His son. I don't deserve it - this masterful shepherding. I deserve to fall off the cliffs I come perilously close to time and time again.
I found this drafted email this morning and I'm reminded how much he must love me, that I have "discovered" these truths again and again and again. I have no idea when I wrote it - but I imagine it was quite some time ago. As I read the words again I am stunned into submission to His grand pursuit of my heart. How could I possibly even WANT to control my own life - any aspect of it - when I recognize how much He loves me? Control is an illusion - God's love for me is real. I just have to remember to let go of control so I can cling to His love.
"I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve cried out to God, silently waited to hear his voice, feel his hand, know his touch – struggled against a darkness that threatens to consume me. He listens, hears and responds. Against this looming he stands. And in the quiet, when my soul is stilled in the sanctuary of his presence and renewed by his insurmountable grace and peace, He speaks. He loves me. Everything he does for me, he does out of his love for me. Which can not be measured, it is so great – so crazy.
He honors a heart committed to him. He invites me into his dream for me, not my dream for myself – and he waits for me to say “yes” to his dream, his vision – or lets me pursue my own dreams. My commitment to either vision is a choice. A continual choice. His ways are not my ways – and how he chooses to work his dream in my life is no longer in my control once I commit my heart to him. His thoughts are not my thoughts – and when I get tired or scared or frustrated, he does not. His ways are higher than my ways - He will do things differently than I would – guaranteed. He is bigger than any problem that I encounter in the journey of his vision for me – but I have to give it to him, and trust him to come up with the answer. He may – no, will – use problems to build in me the character I need to continue in the journey.
And most of all – He loves – He loves – He loves… and he never lets me go… but to really experience his love I have to let go… of everything, and cling only to him. I don’t get to do things for myself anymore. To love like crazy – to love like he does, means I give up my rights. And he loves me enough to give me opportunity after opportunity to do so - and grow into this crazy love of his.
I am living out my salvation, that he provided, with fear and trembling – literally. I have so far to go to. It’s a daily, continual battle. But he promised he would provide for my every need. He has everything – He IS everything. I am nothing. So why do I try to take care of myself with the nothing I have, when he is everything I need – and He promises he would take care of me. Why do I think I have to take care of myself? I don’t know. But I do it all the time. And I have to be reminded over and over again… I can’t do this on my own. I am supposed to be dependant on him. I am supposed to cling only to him – to chose daily; whom I will serve… whom I will love."
I found this drafted email this morning and I'm reminded how much he must love me, that I have "discovered" these truths again and again and again. I have no idea when I wrote it - but I imagine it was quite some time ago. As I read the words again I am stunned into submission to His grand pursuit of my heart. How could I possibly even WANT to control my own life - any aspect of it - when I recognize how much He loves me? Control is an illusion - God's love for me is real. I just have to remember to let go of control so I can cling to His love.
"I’ve been praying a lot lately. I’ve cried out to God, silently waited to hear his voice, feel his hand, know his touch – struggled against a darkness that threatens to consume me. He listens, hears and responds. Against this looming he stands. And in the quiet, when my soul is stilled in the sanctuary of his presence and renewed by his insurmountable grace and peace, He speaks. He loves me. Everything he does for me, he does out of his love for me. Which can not be measured, it is so great – so crazy.
He honors a heart committed to him. He invites me into his dream for me, not my dream for myself – and he waits for me to say “yes” to his dream, his vision – or lets me pursue my own dreams. My commitment to either vision is a choice. A continual choice. His ways are not my ways – and how he chooses to work his dream in my life is no longer in my control once I commit my heart to him. His thoughts are not my thoughts – and when I get tired or scared or frustrated, he does not. His ways are higher than my ways - He will do things differently than I would – guaranteed. He is bigger than any problem that I encounter in the journey of his vision for me – but I have to give it to him, and trust him to come up with the answer. He may – no, will – use problems to build in me the character I need to continue in the journey.
And most of all – He loves – He loves – He loves… and he never lets me go… but to really experience his love I have to let go… of everything, and cling only to him. I don’t get to do things for myself anymore. To love like crazy – to love like he does, means I give up my rights. And he loves me enough to give me opportunity after opportunity to do so - and grow into this crazy love of his.
I am living out my salvation, that he provided, with fear and trembling – literally. I have so far to go to. It’s a daily, continual battle. But he promised he would provide for my every need. He has everything – He IS everything. I am nothing. So why do I try to take care of myself with the nothing I have, when he is everything I need – and He promises he would take care of me. Why do I think I have to take care of myself? I don’t know. But I do it all the time. And I have to be reminded over and over again… I can’t do this on my own. I am supposed to be dependant on him. I am supposed to cling only to him – to chose daily; whom I will serve… whom I will love."
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Appreciation
ap·pre·ci·at·ed, ap·pre·ci·at·ing.
Ever have one of those days where it seemed like no matter what you did, you felt unappreciated? Trivial things seemed to prompt my invisibility today. It started off this morning when I made sure I grabbed all of the umbrellas before leaving for our annual Memorial Day church service in the park - only to have my husband gripe, "you really think we're gonna need these?" (we didn't - the rain held off). And ended with us climbing into bed and him asking "what's the problem?", in a "what's-YOUR-problem" tone, only to fall asleep - snoring soundly - in the middle of my response. The time between was filled with similar episodes (hence the end-of-day agitation).
Sigh.
It happens to us all. And I'm reminded on this Memorial Day to make sure I try to make all military men and women, that I - we - honestly couldn't live without, feel my appreciation.
I started by thanking my son yesterday. A little over a year ago he signed on that dotted line. The dotted line that says he will fight for our freedom - to the point of death - should it come to that. He did it for many reasons. School, training, experience, a job. But I told him, to those of us who do not serve their country in that manner, we are extremely grateful to those that do. It doesn't matter the reason - we still know what it means to the rest of us.
To the thousands like him - Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. And know, that when you prepare for the worst day after day... when you see to it that nothing is forgotten, and all the details are taken care of so that we are safe, and we don't even know it... when the close calls are averted, when the daily grind includes mind-numbing repetition for action that may never come, when you are the "firewall" so nothing bad gets through and no one sees... and you feel so unappreciated - there are those of us who know, who care and think about you, who pray for your safety and thank God mightily for your service. There are those who live blissfully behind your guard who haven't a clue to the diligence, dedication, perseverence and sacrifice it takes to keep the blissfulness intact. For the blissfully unaware, let this one small solemnly-aware voice fill the gap and say - it matters what you do... everyday. And I am very appreciative for all those things you do that we don't see, everyday.
verb (used with object)
1. to be grateful or thankful for: They appreciated his thoughtfulness.
2. to value or regard highly; place a high estimate on: to appreciate good wine.
3. to be fully conscious of; be aware of; detect: to appreciate the dangers of a situation.
4. to raise in value.
(Source: Dictionary.com)
Ever have one of those days where it seemed like no matter what you did, you felt unappreciated? Trivial things seemed to prompt my invisibility today. It started off this morning when I made sure I grabbed all of the umbrellas before leaving for our annual Memorial Day church service in the park - only to have my husband gripe, "you really think we're gonna need these?" (we didn't - the rain held off). And ended with us climbing into bed and him asking "what's the problem?", in a "what's-YOUR-problem" tone, only to fall asleep - snoring soundly - in the middle of my response. The time between was filled with similar episodes (hence the end-of-day agitation).
Sigh.
It happens to us all. And I'm reminded on this Memorial Day to make sure I try to make all military men and women, that I - we - honestly couldn't live without, feel my appreciation.
I started by thanking my son yesterday. A little over a year ago he signed on that dotted line. The dotted line that says he will fight for our freedom - to the point of death - should it come to that. He did it for many reasons. School, training, experience, a job. But I told him, to those of us who do not serve their country in that manner, we are extremely grateful to those that do. It doesn't matter the reason - we still know what it means to the rest of us.
To the thousands like him - Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. And know, that when you prepare for the worst day after day... when you see to it that nothing is forgotten, and all the details are taken care of so that we are safe, and we don't even know it... when the close calls are averted, when the daily grind includes mind-numbing repetition for action that may never come, when you are the "firewall" so nothing bad gets through and no one sees... and you feel so unappreciated - there are those of us who know, who care and think about you, who pray for your safety and thank God mightily for your service. There are those who live blissfully behind your guard who haven't a clue to the diligence, dedication, perseverence and sacrifice it takes to keep the blissfulness intact. For the blissfully unaware, let this one small solemnly-aware voice fill the gap and say - it matters what you do... everyday. And I am very appreciative for all those things you do that we don't see, everyday.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Poodle Skirts - and Jazz
Eilis announced last week that she needed a poodle skirt for her "spring sing". It just happens that I kept the one I made in 8th grade home economics glass. I know - really? Yes. Really. After looking for it in three different places (okay - so I haven't completely unpacked everything) it was discovered unharmed in a rubbermaid box in the garage attic (along with those comfortable black heels I thought I lost - whoop - bonus! And a plan for the weekend... who knows what other treasures I'll find up there!!). Fifteen minutes later, and a full two hours before her concert, she is decked out in poodle skirt, pink shirt, pink sneakers, a very high and ribboned ponytail and scarf wrapped jauntily around her neck. Naturally, I remark, "So - you have a 50's theme for your spring sing?".
She eyed me quizzically. "A theme? What do you mean?"
I return the quizzical eyeballing. "A theme - you know like the kind of songs you'll sing and the costuming. You're doing a 50's theme? Hence, the poodle skirt?"
She relaxes her scrunched up face. "OH! Yeah. No.", she deadpans, "We're singing jazz. I just wanted to wear a poodle skirt."
Uh.
Okay.
Sometimes there is no connection. Some things just make you happy. That poodle skirt gave her joy. Me too, as I watched her twirl and skip around - ponytail and skirt swirling like a tilt-a-whirl.
After the concert we walked out of the school with Eilis charging ahead. I found myself skipping behind her - literally bounding lightly like a little rubber ball dropped from a pocket. Matt chuckled, "Are you happy? A little - right now anyway?"
I spun around to face him with a goofy grin, "I guess so."
Honestly, I couldn't tell anyone why. It was a crazy day - week... month. So much so that I had fallen asleep at the end of the workday in the over-sized chair in the living room.
Asleep - at 5 o'clock. Soundly. For nearly an hour.
But now I was awake - and quite happy. As happy as my 9 year old in a twirly poodle skirt. With vestiges of the snappy little jazz tunes thrumming through my brain, rested and bouncing on the sidewalk in my funky new Adidas - I felt simple, pure, joy.
Can't really explain it. I don't have to - I'll just accept the gift.
Thank you God - for poodle skirts, jazz, 9 year olds, and JOY.
She eyed me quizzically. "A theme? What do you mean?"
I return the quizzical eyeballing. "A theme - you know like the kind of songs you'll sing and the costuming. You're doing a 50's theme? Hence, the poodle skirt?"
She relaxes her scrunched up face. "OH! Yeah. No.", she deadpans, "We're singing jazz. I just wanted to wear a poodle skirt."
Uh.
Okay.
Sometimes there is no connection. Some things just make you happy. That poodle skirt gave her joy. Me too, as I watched her twirl and skip around - ponytail and skirt swirling like a tilt-a-whirl.
After the concert we walked out of the school with Eilis charging ahead. I found myself skipping behind her - literally bounding lightly like a little rubber ball dropped from a pocket. Matt chuckled, "Are you happy? A little - right now anyway?"
I spun around to face him with a goofy grin, "I guess so."
Honestly, I couldn't tell anyone why. It was a crazy day - week... month. So much so that I had fallen asleep at the end of the workday in the over-sized chair in the living room.
Asleep - at 5 o'clock. Soundly. For nearly an hour.
But now I was awake - and quite happy. As happy as my 9 year old in a twirly poodle skirt. With vestiges of the snappy little jazz tunes thrumming through my brain, rested and bouncing on the sidewalk in my funky new Adidas - I felt simple, pure, joy.
Can't really explain it. I don't have to - I'll just accept the gift.
Thank you God - for poodle skirts, jazz, 9 year olds, and JOY.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Being Reclaimed
Hey, I know. It's been a while. Quite a while. I'm stuck in some sort of self-created mind-numbing vacuum... try to fill in the blanks of the last several months - or just pick it up from here? Decisions - decisions. As the days tic-tock by, my idealist blog remains empty. Too many pebbles to the head makes one stupid.
So - random thoughts, occassional insight and attempts at articulation - we are back on!
Today was a very cold day for May. It is Wisconsin, and we had 8 inches of snow fall a few shorts weeks ago (followed a week later by record breaking 92 degrees - seriously brain-warping activity) - I should not be even slightly dispeptic. But the rain and chill left me feeling nostalgic (and wanting tomato soup for supper). Hmmm - nostalgia lies in a forgotten blog? Stranger things have happened. (For me - we're talking me. You know - strange - me.) So, I read my past posts - stunned at the gadjillion things I've left unsaid - the plethora of events that have visited, settled or recreated out lives to date and I'm heart-broken that I may have forgotten many of the wonders we've encountered on this journey.
We signed the mortgage! Whew! Two years of work, culminated in an appraisal on April 15th that rewarded us with a result that allowed us to close on an excellent rate, with equity to spare, and a small amount of cash-back (promptly redeposited for the guaranteed property tax increase - OH how God loves to do amazing things in providing for us)! We've been in this mode of waking up every morning for two years with one of two burning thoughts in our minds, "What do we need to get done today?" or, "what am I avoiding getting done today?". We discover, it's hard to break habits! The first weekend after April 15th, one we didn't have to do anything to get ready for "the" appraisal, we spent helping friends with THEIR remodel! (So much more fun to work on someone else's project - and a huge blessing to give to them what they gave to us so often these past two years.)
The work on the house has been reflective of what God has been doing in our lives. He has come in and, in ways, taken me down to the studs. There has been re-wiring, repairing of foundations, removing of walls, recovered use of space and newness brought in everywhere. There are more windows to let light shine in, sanding of floors to get the grime out and the beauty of natural wood shine through, the trim is both new and recovered - specifically selected and placed for the best presentation. Not everything is perfect - but there is a lot of real character. Good bones - recovered treasure. I feel like God has been doing that work in me. The tearing down - not much fun! At the same time, there is lighteness as burdens are relieved and broken things are thrown out. It feels like discombobulation sometimes. But as I see how he's putting me back together, like this house, I am feeling loved - and attended to... and put together with a vision and purpose in mind.
We saw this house as it could be two years ago - and amaze even ourselves at how it's been reclaimed right before our eyes. So, too - God sees me as I should be... and I'm just beginning to catch his vision, and in total and complete cooperation (most days) I'm walking into that image.
Being reclaimed is a beautiful thing.
So - random thoughts, occassional insight and attempts at articulation - we are back on!
Today was a very cold day for May. It is Wisconsin, and we had 8 inches of snow fall a few shorts weeks ago (followed a week later by record breaking 92 degrees - seriously brain-warping activity) - I should not be even slightly dispeptic. But the rain and chill left me feeling nostalgic (and wanting tomato soup for supper). Hmmm - nostalgia lies in a forgotten blog? Stranger things have happened. (For me - we're talking me. You know - strange - me.) So, I read my past posts - stunned at the gadjillion things I've left unsaid - the plethora of events that have visited, settled or recreated out lives to date and I'm heart-broken that I may have forgotten many of the wonders we've encountered on this journey.
We signed the mortgage! Whew! Two years of work, culminated in an appraisal on April 15th that rewarded us with a result that allowed us to close on an excellent rate, with equity to spare, and a small amount of cash-back (promptly redeposited for the guaranteed property tax increase - OH how God loves to do amazing things in providing for us)! We've been in this mode of waking up every morning for two years with one of two burning thoughts in our minds, "What do we need to get done today?" or, "what am I avoiding getting done today?". We discover, it's hard to break habits! The first weekend after April 15th, one we didn't have to do anything to get ready for "the" appraisal, we spent helping friends with THEIR remodel! (So much more fun to work on someone else's project - and a huge blessing to give to them what they gave to us so often these past two years.)
The work on the house has been reflective of what God has been doing in our lives. He has come in and, in ways, taken me down to the studs. There has been re-wiring, repairing of foundations, removing of walls, recovered use of space and newness brought in everywhere. There are more windows to let light shine in, sanding of floors to get the grime out and the beauty of natural wood shine through, the trim is both new and recovered - specifically selected and placed for the best presentation. Not everything is perfect - but there is a lot of real character. Good bones - recovered treasure. I feel like God has been doing that work in me. The tearing down - not much fun! At the same time, there is lighteness as burdens are relieved and broken things are thrown out. It feels like discombobulation sometimes. But as I see how he's putting me back together, like this house, I am feeling loved - and attended to... and put together with a vision and purpose in mind.
We saw this house as it could be two years ago - and amaze even ourselves at how it's been reclaimed right before our eyes. So, too - God sees me as I should be... and I'm just beginning to catch his vision, and in total and complete cooperation (most days) I'm walking into that image.
Being reclaimed is a beautiful thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)